Monthly Archives: August 2005

Blogwars 37: The Revenge of the Skipper

This rebuttal to skipper’s last comes a trifle late, because I have been exploring the wilds of interior BC in a lincoln town car that went far but not too far because of it’s small mile-to-the-gallon number or whatever it is that governs these things. Up north of Whistler a wizard stopped us in our tracks, said he could give us all we wanted if we cleaned up all our acts. Said that Everyone Loves Raymond had a show after it aired where it was analysed by fundamentalists who only cared for trite religious sentiment which he said was not the point, said Romano tells his jokes for many reasons but prolly not to annoint some kind of gross moral ideal, or at least’s the way he spoke – but then he added “still it’s fair play cos it’s not like they’re good jokes, I mean if you happen to be of italian origin living in new york then it’s probably fairly funny but honey, good comedy talks not just from the heart but also the bile duct, a mixture of the two – and whilst it has good ratings, i don’t see it there. do you?”


you! bring me the wall street journal. you two! fight to the death

quick update to give you some open micage. this one was at Bean Around The World in Deep Cove and I played

‘Hazy Recollection (Local Election)’, ‘Apparently there’s a Quasar in Torquay’, ‘Californian Styled’

It was rubbish! Nice venue though. I’d totally have done the waitress! I’m kidding of course. OR AM I? Oh, then I came home and watched SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW.

That was an amazing film. See it if you haven’t. I’d totally have done angelina jolie! I’m kidding of course.

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Sweet Home… Birmingham?!

The Raven again for more opened microphone. THE SET WAS:

‘Third Single’, ‘It’s like being Behind Enemy Lines’, ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’

Massive thanks to Kevin and Erin and their band for backing me up on the fresh prince and ‘Californian Styled’ last week as well, those guys sure do know how to rock! Seriously they were fantastic and caught on to my (admittedly very simple) melodies in no time at all. Peace and love to you both.

I also made a li’l CD which shifted a couple of copies at the event: it was called “If Esperanza gets to a country with no extradition charges…” and because I can’t get at the main site yet I’ll leave the tracklist here in case you happened to get one of the ones I couldn’t be bothered to write it on:

1. Lauren (Demo)
2. Everybody’s Alright
3. Californian Styled

The first two, of course, featuring Max Jones. The man, the legend.

OK all this obviously be on the main site later so i’ll leave you with a priceless shot of me relishing the final moments of “all good things”, the greatest TNG episode ever. Props to vinoir for that one!

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This is the sweet sound of me trying to watch mutant x on an american tv channel

(tape begins 19h06)

woman: my genetic powers have enhanced my perky little tits that are just squeeeeezing out of this top
man: fascinating
me: shouldn’t there be a plot here?
woman: so anyway i’m a complicated, emotional person
man: i have lightning in my hands < <zzzt>>
woman: that was remarkably unconvincing
me: < <munching sounds, as of a million oreos>>
older man (but not old enough to be convincing as a dr x ripoff): you have a mission and it is blah blah blah
man: we’re on it
me: a plant? thats totally bollocks
the tv: this car is good. no, really. buy the fucking car. buy the car.
me: no!
the tv: YES! it has many colours, and will fulfill you in many ways
me: jesus
man: well, here we are in a warehouse
evil, unconvincingly haired baddie: a warehouse… OF DEATH!!
me: < <faux excitement>> oh no!! < <crunch crunch>>
< <exciting music, slightly badly produced>>
me: this is the worst fight scene i’ve EVER seen. EVER.
man: justice has been dispensed! what am i saying, this show would never have a line that good
woman: do you ever feel like that film, x-men? because-
man: QUIET
soldier who they rescued: i am eternally bitter that I am not arnie
me: ah, but you do have unconvincing mutant powers!
woman who looks suspiciously similar to the other woman: you are our new best friends!!
woman: thanks!!!
me: …et spiritus sancti…
the tv: you know, when your child starts shitting by itself, you’re gonna need these
me: la la la la
older guy again: you can walk through walls… go steal stuff!
another man: are you going to explain how the clothes i’m wearing can go through the wall with me but the case i’m carrying can’t?
older man: nope!
me: < <snorting, as cocaine off a cheerleader’s cute li’l belly>>
that soldier again: zey have now kidnapped me. whatever to do?
woman: how about we rescue him? hang on, let me change into a slightly tighter top
old man: yeah go and do that, i’ll sit here being a scientist
the other man: you’re a scientist? wow that’s totally unconvincing
me: godammit if i don’t see some fighting or some nudity soon there’s gonna be trouble
the tv: what haven’t i advertised yet…?
me: oh, give it a rest. go fuck yourself.
the tv: ah yes! crisps! or chips as I will annoyingly call them! CHIPS CHIPS CHIPS
me: i’m on sweet things! don’t do this to me
baddie: ah so you have me at gunpoint, soldier-guy
soldier: it would seem that way. i could kill you and end the series now
me: < <ears prick up>>
woman: don’t do it! you have a new team now! us!
soldier: fair point!
me: ohmy. god. ohmygod.
old man: welcome back, guys
me: WAIT WAIT how did you get away from the baddie you let go?! did you just walk out? he had men pointing guns at you? WHAT?
old man: …and all’s well that ends well
me: WHAT? no, WHAT?
the tv: coming up next… CSI Miami!
me: that SUCKED…! …CSI miami you say?
the tv:
me: alright i’ll stay another hour. but you’d better not advertise that fucking swiffer again
me: heaven preserve us. no, don’t. what would future generations think?

(tape ends at 20h01)

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umm i can’t think of a title because there’s an ad banner of a woman crouched in the “please do me doggy style” position on it. it’s really, really, excessive. and it’s advertising screensavers. i can’t think properly.

Let no-one accuse me of not representing at the opened microphones. Today’s effort was at The Raven in Deep Cove, and, apart from a few “pickup falling off” issues, went palatably. Here’s what the crowd got to enjoy:

‘Hazy Recollection (Local Election)’, ‘Leaf Fall Timetable’, ‘Californian Styled’

I’m staying as you may have noticed with ‘safe’ songs out here in Kanadee, but I’m heading back to this place next week to check out some of the more controversial numbers. Work is progressing on ‘Third Single’, ‘The ocean is not a dry featureless mass’, and four other thus far untitled songs.

In other news, I’ve been watching ‘cleavage central’ aka. CSI Miami. The cleavages really were a problem in that episode. Some of the men had them there were so many. Horatio didn’t though. Because he’s Horatio. HORATIO.

Yeah as I was saying that southern girl who’s there managed to catch a shooter on the basis of her cleavage (versus the cleavages of several other young ladies). Whilst mocking them for being condemned or otherwise by their exposed melons she managed to wear a top that was cut almost as low. And they were barmaids. YES TO BRUCKHEIMER. Seriously*, if that man ran for president I’d vote for him.

Unless Goren was running as well.


ahh look at him. it’s been too long since i did that.

*ie. “Not at all

Compulsory Representation

Okay another Vancouver Open Mic, this time in Cafe Deux Soleils. I managed to be literally last out of the hat for this one (typical) and so got onto stage at about midnight, and of course by then lots of people had lost interest so I was a bit of a wind-down. Also some fairly discourteous types (whose frankly awful sets

some views aren’t worth it

played a delightful if sparsely populated open mic on granville island – my first gig abroad! the excitement was almost palpable and so impressed were the crowd that they put up a solid gold effigy of me outside the venue.

here’s what was played (can’t access regular gigs page until I return):
‘Leaf Fall Timetable’, ‘Everybody’s Alright’, ‘Californian Styled’, ‘Hazy Recollection (Local Election)’, ‘Endurance 3 Wit 7’

Over here everyone is being extra careful about forest fires due to the extreme heat, which has thwarted my plans to go to the North BC Flamethrower Fiesta. The whole thing has had to be cancelled, which is bad news for flamethrower lovers everywhere. It means I spent $300 getting my own custom flamer over the border for nought as well, so obviously things aren’t going well. Hopefully, however, the Outdoor Wok Burner Appreciation Society’s 45th anniversary forest hike is still on schedule so the trip won’t be completely wasted. I’ll keep you posted.


(Canadian Pacific Time is minus eight hours)

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