She has high heels growing out of her feet.
But now that I’ve calmed down enough to write sensibly about what a very, very bad film this is, I fear that my very tangibility (and the fact that I’m not dancing around the blog spewing ectoplasm) may lead you to believe that something as foolhardy as personal aesthetic judgement informs my conclusions. You may be tempted to believe that the fact that I know and love the text from which this work is taken prejudices me against it unfairly. You may think that, whatever I thought, you might like it. But I am no raving English academic. Hearken! and observe how healthily – how calmly I can tell you the whole story.
Far Cry is a first person shooter released in 2004. It tells the story of Jack Carver (yup) a hawaiian-shirt wearing commando who is stranded on a series of pacific islands roamed by evil soldiers and bizarre mutants who want to taste his flesh. The game was developed by Crytek as a tech demo, and only turned into a stand-alone game at the last second. Plot (I just told you the entire plot), characters, budget voice acting and even certain gameplay elements were thrown into an impressive graphics engine pretty much at random. This game is fifty or sixty times more rewarding to play than Beowulf is to watch.
But even if the revolutionary digital animation hadn’t been three or four years behind the video games industry (and, indeed, the film industry, Lord of the Rings), even if the motion capture hadn’t been awful, the landscapes awful, the mip mapping VISIBLE (yes!) and most of the hair still one-piece (why did they make this film digitally? what were they trying to do, even supposing it had worked?), this would still have been the worst film of 2007. In fact, I’ve recently been wondering if it can stand with Contact and Daredevil to compete for the worst film of all time award.
Rather than list all the non-superficial reasons for the awful, here comes some… how you say… edited highlight action:
- Amateurish sexual innuendo you can cut with a knife (incl. extended naked fight scene with an improbable number of large phallic objects “conveniently” placed between camera and privates).
- Continuous use of suspense and off-camera introductions to delay visual appearance of incredibly underwhelming monsters, most offensively Grendel and the Sea Monsters.
- Remind me to shout my own name very loudly whenever I am successful in any undertaking.
- “Innovative mid-film twist on story you thought you knew” turns story into complete shit.
- Attitude to women comparable to Garth Merenghi’s Darkplace, with the important difference that Darkplace was joking.
- I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE GET DRAGONS WRONG
The only other thing I have to say is that in a world of woefully unconvincing 3D animation, Angelina Jolie looks perfectly normal, which has prompted me to realise that she actually looks like a woefully unconvincing 3D animation in real life. This concerns and bothers me.
Do not watch this film. Some bad films are good. This is not one of them. Instead, spend the 1h54 with any of the following things:
Book: John Gardner’s Grendel
Game: Team ICO’s Shadow of the Colossus
Film: Beowulf and Grendel, a live action version of the story filmed in Iceland which came out without anyone noticing last year. I haven’t seen it either, but there’s absolutely no way it’s worse.
Music: FaceOmeter’s brilliant and understated song As If John Hurt was in that Film, but in your mind replace the line “you waited the whole damn film for the aliens to show / but they turned out to be her father” with “you waited the whole damn film for the dragon to show / but it turned out to be a pile of arse and shite just like the rest of this complete balls-up of a production”