Holy Shit!

Why has no-one ever made a game with a reliable direct IP multiplayer since Duke Nukem 3D? Our panel investigates:

Civ4: Great Game. Gash multiplayer: Gamespy Arcade (server browser) crashes my (new, flawless) computer. BSOD’s it actually! NOTHING else has ever done that! Nice! DirectIP worked once and has never worked since, even though nothing changed. SORT IT OUT!
Dawn of War: What the FUCK is it with you needing to register the game to play it online these days? NO! This is not how it works. I don’t want to choose a password! I WANT TO PLAY THE GAME! Hence me buying it! Dawn of War is a great game too, but with one small flaw: you cant play online without patching, and their patching system fatally crashes the game and permanently corrupts the install! Currently when I click on the exe, nothing happens! Moreover, someone has my install disc so I can’t play it. IF THIS IS YOU, GIVE IT BACK!
Far Cry: We must let this one off for being an indie title. BUT THE MULTIPLAYER IS STILL MYSTERIOUSLY SHIT? It’s another “pick a password” game but this part is much more painless than DoW – however it then goes to a “connecting…” screen after which one of two things happens:
1) NOTHING AT ALL
2) IT ASKS FOR A CD KEY WHICH I DON’T HAVE COS IT’S IN THE BOX I LENT TO SOMEONE. IF THIS IS YOU, GIVE IT BACK!
UT2004: Excellent multiplay, as can be expected from an arena game. My CD Key got blocked for no reason, but I e-mailed them and a very nice guy called Jeff gave me a new one. Thanks, Jeff! Unfortunately this game is currently not in John’s arsenal so we still COULDN’T PLAY IT ARSE
Counter-strike source: That’s right, kids – the latest iteration of a game I’ve been playing since 2000 is STILL the only consistently reliable internet multiplayer game on my sprawling, modern, high-tech system. And it’s not like I’m even doing the dodgy like I used to… I actually own ALL of the above games! Legitimate, packaged versions! WHY ARE THEY FORSAKING ME?!
Epicene: This is a play by Ben Jonson that I had to resort to reading because of the above. It’s good but the multiplayer is SHIT



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