Shute Barrington

All my fans are always asking me for the recipe for Shute Barrington, despite the fact that I have carefully guarded its secret ever since I invented it around ten minutes ago. Finally I yield, super-fans! Do as you will.

Serves, like, 2?
Preparation time the back quarter of one episode of This American Life

1tbsp groundnut oil
1tbsp sesame oil
A bunch of slightly withered spring onions
A cup or so of basmati
1tsp tomato puree
2tsp honey
Half a stock cube
Soy sauce
A calculating expression

1) Gently blend the oils together in a large pan, get them all hot. Meanwhile, cut all the crispy bits off the withered springs. Chop what’s left into predominately white bits (hereafter called ‘Jeremy Irons’) and predominately green bits (hereafter called ‘Slow Rider’).
2) Fry off the Jeremy Irons in the oil. I’d stick some garlic in too if you have any, but I didn’t have any. When they’re fizzing good, stick the rice in. Fry it for longer than you think you need to, then put in the puree, the honey, the stock cube, and the soy. Add a tiny bit of water to get things loose, continue to stir and fry until you have a paste.
3) Pour boiling water up to twice the depth of the rice. Bubble (but not quite boil) uncovered until the rice is cooked (you may have to add more water).
4) When it’s ready, turn off the heat, put a lid on it, and leave to rest for exactly 7 minutes and 24 seconds.
5) Stir through the Slow Rider and serve immediately.

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