This is the sweet sound of me trying to watch mutant x on an american tv channel

(tape begins 19h06)

woman: my genetic powers have enhanced my perky little tits that are just squeeeeezing out of this top
man: fascinating
me: shouldn’t there be a plot here?
woman: so anyway i’m a complicated, emotional person
man: i have lightning in my hands <<zzzt>>
woman: that was remarkably unconvincing
me: <<munching sounds, as of a million oreos>>
older man (but not old enough to be convincing as a dr x ripoff): you have a mission and it is blah blah blah
man: we’re on it
me: a plant? thats totally bollocks
the tv: this car is good. no, really. buy the fucking car. buy the car.
me: no!
the tv: YES! it has many colours, and will fulfill you in many ways
me: jesus
man: well, here we are in a warehouse
evil, unconvincingly haired baddie: a warehouse… OF DEATH!!
me: <<faux excitement>> oh no!! <<crunch crunch>>
<<exciting music, slightly badly produced>>
me: this is the worst fight scene i’ve EVER seen. EVER.
man: justice has been dispensed! what am i saying, this show would never have a line that good
woman: do you ever feel like that film, x-men? because-
man: QUIET
soldier who they rescued: i am eternally bitter that I am not arnie
me: ah, but you do have unconvincing mutant powers!
woman who looks suspiciously similar to the other woman: you are our new best friends!!
woman: thanks!!!
me: …et spiritus sancti…
the tv: you know, when your child starts shitting by itself, you’re gonna need these
me: la la la la
the tv: CATCH THE MEGA SUPER DUPER BOWL TONIGHT IT’S AMAZING AND WILL FULFILL YOU
older guy again: you can walk through walls… go steal stuff!
another man: are you going to explain how the clothes i’m wearing can go through the wall with me but the case i’m carrying can’t?
older man: nope!
me: <<snorting, as cocaine off a cheerleader’s cute li’l belly>>
that soldier again: zey have now kidnapped me. whatever to do?
me: WHAT I ASK YOU?
woman: how about we rescue him? hang on, let me change into a slightly tighter top
old man: yeah go and do that, i’ll sit here being a scientist
the other man: you’re a scientist? wow that’s totally unconvincing
me: godammit if i don’t see some fighting or some nudity soon there’s gonna be trouble
the tv: what haven’t i advertised yet…?
me: oh, give it a rest. go fuck yourself.
the tv: ah yes! crisps! or chips as I will annoyingly call them! CHIPS CHIPS CHIPS
me: i’m on sweet things! don’t do this to me
baddie: ah so you have me at gunpoint, soldier-guy
soldier: it would seem that way. i could kill you and end the series now
me: <<ears prick up>>
woman: don’t do it! you have a new team now! us!
soldier: fair point!
me: ohmy. god. ohmygod.
old man: welcome back, guys
me: WAIT WAIT how did you get away from the baddie you let go?! did you just walk out? he had men pointing guns at you? WHAT?
old man: …and all’s well that ends well
me: WHAT? no, WHAT?
the tv: coming up next… CSI Miami!
me: that SUCKED…! …CSI miami you say?
the tv:
me: alright i’ll stay another hour. but you’d better not advertise that fucking swiffer again
the tv: SWIFFER! YEAH! I SING A SONG! AND THEN YOU BUY IT! BUY IT! SWIFFER! YES!
me: heaven preserve us. no, don’t. what would future generations think?

(tape ends at 20h01)



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